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Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

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Will709432

Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

Post by Will709432 »

Not sure I'm using this forum correctly by using simply story as title, but...

Was going to attempt to translate something but while I'm waiting for permission, I wrote this myself. No doubt there is tons wrong with it, probably going to get slaughtered, but as a first attempt I'm not too worried about that - learning curve after all. I provided the English version at the end. Lots of things I wanted to say but got eye-ache trying to figure out how to say them. Story was just a bit of fun :) And apology for the formatting, have no clue.

Vegan

Nere i källaren, genomförde Katys irriterande lillebror ett annat markligt experiment. Den här gången, hade han kopplat en tomatplanta till fars encefalogram. Den tomatplanta löv darrade.
"Hej, apa andetag, vad är det med Tommy Tomato?"
"Jag testar växtkänsla", sa Billy, med ögon komiskt förstorade bakom pappas skyddsglasögon. "Som Triffids."
"Självklart!" sa Katy sarkastiskt. Fast, visste hon bättre än att tvivla honom. Det var åtminstone inte lika äcklig som det experiment han gjort tidigare när han försökte återuppliva en död fluga genom att använda mikrovågsugn, tänkte Katy och grimaserade.
"Jag bevisar att växter kunna kanna smärta. Det här mäter förändringar i plantans elektriska aktivitet som svar till stimuli."
"Låter så intressant!" Hon himlade med ögonen och suckade.
"Kolla här!" Billy tog upp en cigarrettändare och flyttade lågan mot plantan, som orsakade taggiga linjer över encefalogrammet.
"Se, den är rädd." Billy flyttade lågan närmare en lövspets och encefalogrammet blev vilt.
"Sluta!" Katy ryckte bort hans hand.
Billy stängde av cigarettändaren. "Jag sa till dig."
Katy skakade på huvudet och gick tillbaka till trappan. Hon kände sig störd. "I alla fall", sa hon, "jag kom bara för att berätta att pappa sa middagen är klar." (wanted to say, she called back, as in over her shoulder, but didn't know how)
Pappa har dukat bordet när Katy återvände till köket och tog plats. Som vanlig, dumpade pappa en extra portion grönsaker på Katys tallrik och separerade köttet för sig och Billy. (Bit of cheating here, don’t know how to say limp-looking)
Katy stirrade på sina grönsaker. "Hur lagade du dessa?" frågade hon.
"Kokta."
Kokta! tänkte Katy. Levande!
"Katy?" Han låt som om han retade hennes. Han skrattade nästan. "Mår du illa? Du ser plötsligt blek ut."
"Jag är inte hungrig längre", sa Katy och lämnade bordet. Hon sprang upp till rummet.
Billy kom upp från källaren när Katys sovrumsdörr slog igen. Pappa fyllde sitt ansikte med rykande varm köttpaj. (not sure if stuffing his face is the same in Swedish as English)
"Ge mig såsen, Pappa", sa Billy och flinade konspiratoriskt. (not sure polite way to say give me something)
"Bra jobbat, son!" Pappa skrattade. "Vegan Smeegan."
De skrattade båda med munnen full av köttpaj.


English version:
Down in the basement, Katy's annoying little brother was conducting one of his bizarre experiments. This time, he had a Tomato plant wired to Dad's encephalogram. The plant's leaves quivered.
"Hey monkey-breath, what's with Tommy Tomato?"
"I'm testing plant-life sentience," he said, his eyes comically magnified behind Dad's plastic goggles.
"Of course," said Katy sarcastically. Although, she knew better than to doubt him. At least it wasn't as gross as the time he had tried reviving a dead fly using the microwave, she thought, grimacing.
"I'm proving plants can feel pain. This measures changes in the plant's electrical activity in response to stimuli."
"Sounds so interesting." She rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Check this." He picked up a lighter and brought the flame close to the plant, making spikes jump across the encephalogram. "See, it's scared." He touched the flame to leaf tip, and the encephalogram went wild.
"Stop!" Katy snatched his hand away.
He turned the lighter off. "I told you."
Shaking her head, Katy returned to the stairs, feeling disturbed. "Anyway," she called back, "I only came to tell you that Dad said dinner is ready."
Dad was dishing up as she returned to the kitchen and took her place. As usual, Dad dumped an extra serving of limp-looking vegetables onto her plate, separating the meat for himself and Billy.
Katy stared at her vegetables. "How did you cook these?" she asked.
"Boiled."
Boiled! thought Katy. Alive!
"Katy?" His voice sounded teasing. He almost laughed. "Are you feeling ill? You look suddenly pale."
"I'm not hungry anymore," said Katy and left the table. She ran up to her room.
Billy came up from the basement as Katy's bedroom door slammed. Dad was stuffing his face with steaming hot meat pie.
"Pass the gravy, Dad," said Billy and grinned conspiratorially.
"Good job, son." Dad laughed. “Vegan Smeegan."
They both laughed with their mouths full of meat pie.

Forgot to mention, obviously I'd like a native Swedish speaker/language expert to have a look and tell me all the things I did wrong. Wincing in advance. :)

Last edited by Will709432 on Sun Mar 27, 2022 6:04 am, edited 9 times in total.
User avatar
Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1

Post by Basler Biker »

A slaughter needs to be before one gets at the sirloin steak ;-)

I'll have a read... will wait for comments from natives. I wonder if there is a lot of things to be corrected, whether it's not better to get the story in "rätta min skriva" first (where natives can rather "fully rewrite and/or comment on corrections" ... and when ready - final story - we can add some questions with spoiler-type answers about the content.

Another thing would then be to CEFR rate it. Have no clue how to get to a rating. Duolingo announced (it's still in their projects list, the CEFR checker? the link is there, but leads to NOTHING...Surprise...)

Maybe it helps that we use the SVALEX ... From that data, with some algorithm, we should be able to create some CEFR level checker ourselves...

or is there a real good one for Swedish on the internet already? Even better so.


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1

Post by Basler Biker »

The "next" idea - as soon as the story is ready, would be for a native - or the author... - to read+video record it.
Using the Readlang tools we can then synchronize video with transscript, which is very interesting, better than having subtitles (or with subtitles...)


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1

Post by Basler Biker »

I used this tool to check the level of your story. The tool doesn't work with Swedish, but I tried with your English text.
The question would be: if a text is B2 in English, is it then also B2 when quasi linear translated to Swedish?

https://www.vocabkitchen.com/profile

There is this video (2nd one on the page) explaining how it works.
Say if you want a text to be B2, you would have to "eliminate" (rewrite, rephrase) the words marked with the C1 and C2 button/color...so that only A1/A2/B1/B2 words remain ;-)

viewtopic.php?p=9347#p9347

These are the English words grouped by CEFR level.

vocab-profile-2022-3-27-3-19-2.doc

BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Will709432

Re: Story 1

Post by Will709432 »

Made a few changes where text was dropped by formatting and corrected where I'd accidentally left the sentence in English verb order. Fixed lika... som, which I'd forgotten about. Couple of places where I wasn't sure of phrasing remain - like dukar/dukat. Probably using the phrase wrong.
I have a feeling munnarna fulla av is wrong and it might be båda munnen full av.. But even that sounds a bit weird to me and I'm just going by things I've read, but changed it.
Originally posted Billy kom upp från källaren SOM Katys sovrumsdörr slog igen. But on second thoughts, perhaps NÄR is more idiomatic.

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Will709432

Re: Story 1

Post by Will709432 »

Basler Biker wrote: Sat Mar 26, 2022 10:49 am

Do you think I should move this to the correct my Swedish forum? Seems lack of activity in this one.

User avatar
Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1

Post by Basler Biker »

Will709432 wrote: Fri Apr 01, 2022 7:40 am
Basler Biker wrote: Sat Mar 26, 2022 10:49 am

Do you think I should move this to the correct my Swedish forum? Seems lack of activity in this one.

You can't, I think, unless you copy/paste ;-)
I also PM'd a few natives to have a look at it, but you know...the natives are here for the languages they learn.
There is also a problem with "forum" subscriptions. If one subscribes to a main forum, one does not get notified about a sub-forum, because for the system it's just another forum to which one did not subscribe. So that's bit an unforseen complication...(now I'll test this, and see if it's true what I suppose here)

So here is the idea. Rather than moving it, make a post in "General Swedish" and (why not) one more in the main forum, and ask if someone could review your story with a link to it. Then we'll have to wait , like a fisherman having thrown a line with a bate/lure ;-)

maybe make a post too under "I speak English => discussions"... it's general anyway...


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Crahdol
Japan

Re: Story 1

Post by Crahdol »

[mention]Will709432[/mention]

Överlag en helt okej översättning, men det finns en del att rätta. Mestadels är det grammatiska felaktigheter, men också ett par rena felöversättningar. Jag har också raderat ett antal kommatecken [,] som annars skulle brutit flödet i meningarna på ett onaturligt sätt.
Overall a completely fine translation, but with some corrections to be made. Mostly it is grammatical errors, but also a few purely incorrect translations. There were also som commas [,] that i removed since they were breaking the flow of the sentence in an unnatural way.

Nere i källaren, genomförde Katys irriterande lillebror ett annat ännu ett maärkligt experiment. Den här gången, hade han kopplat en tomatplanta till fars encefalogram
//This translation is correct, but the original text uses the wrong word:
‘Encephalogram’ is “the image, trace or other record of the structure or electrical activity of the brain”. The machine used to produce this is called an ‘Encephalograph’ (Encefalograf in Swedish).//
.
Den tomatplanta Plantans löv darrade.
"Hej, apa andetagap-andedräkt
//Can’t really see anyone using this insult in Swedish. It just sounds very clunky. I can’t actually think of any Swedish bully-style insult referring to someone’s breath…//
, vad är det med Tommy Tomato?"
//Maybe consider translating the name aswell, just to make the text seem more natural. “Tommy Tomat”//
"Jag testar om växter känslahar medvetande", sa Billy, med ögon komiskt förstorade bakom pappas
//In the first paragraph you refer to Dad as ‘far’, and here as ‘pappa’. Either is fine, but I would recommend sticking to one of these for the entire story.//
skyddsglasögon i plast. "Som Triffids."
//This is not in the original text//
"Självklartfallet!" sa Katy sarkastiskt. Fast, visste hon visste bättre än att betvivla honom. Det var åtminstone inte lika äckligt som det experiment han gjort tidigare när den gången då han försökte återuppliva en död fluga genom att använda mikrovågsugnen, tänkte Katy och grimaserade.
"Jag bevisar att växter kunna kan kaänna smärta. Detn här mäter förändringar i plantans elektriska aktivitet som svar till stimuli."
"Låter så intressant!" Hon himlade med ögonen och suckade.
"Kolla här!" Billy tog upp en cigarrettändare och flyttade lågan mot plantan, som orsakade taggiga linjer över encefalogrammet. "Se, den är rädd." Billy flyttade lågan närmare en lövspets och encefalogrammet blev vilt.
"Sluta!" Katy ryckte bort hans hand.
Billy stängde av släckte cigarettändaren. "Jag sa till dig Jag sa ju det eller Vad var det jag sa."
Katy skakade på huvudet och gick tillbaka till trappan. Hon kände sig störd besvärad. "I alla fall", sa hon och tittade kort tillbaka, "jag kom bara för att berätta att pappa sa att middagen är klar."
Pappa har hade dukat bordet när Katy återvände till köket och tog sin plats. Som vanligt, dumpade pappa en extra portion slappa eller sladdriga grönsaker på Katys tallrik och separerade ut köttet för till sig själv och Billy.
Katy stirrade på sina grönsaker. "Hur tillagade du dessa?" frågade hon.
"Kokta."
Kokta! tänkte Katy. Levande!
"Katy?" Han låt som om han retade hennes Hans röst lät retsam. Han skrattade nästan. "Mår du illa? Du ser plötsligt blek ut."
"Jag är inte hungrig längre", sa Katy och lämnade bordet. Hon sprang upp till rummet.
Billy kom upp från källaren när Katys sovrumsdörr slog igen. Pappa fyllde sitt ansikte proppade sig full med rykande varm köttpaj. (not sure if stuffing his face is the same in Swedish as English)
"Ge mig Skicka såsen, Pappa", sa Billy och flinade konspiratoriskt.
//Depends on how politely you ask. I based this on the English ‘Pass the gravy’, which is sort of casual but still not demanding. Some other variants:
‘Give me…’ – ‘Ge mig…’
’Could you pass…’ – ’Kan du skicka…’
’Could i please have…’ – ‘Kan jag be att få…’//

"Bra jobbat, son!" Pappa skrattade pappa. "Vegan Smeegan."
//I removed an ’e’ to make it rhyme in Swedish.
‘vegan’ is stressed on the second syllable in Swedish.//

De skrattade båda med munnen munnarna fulla av köttpaj.

Tveka inte att fråga om något behöver förtydligas.
Don't hesitate to ask for clarifications.

Last edited by Crahdol on Sun Apr 03, 2022 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Vänliga hälsningar/Best Regards/よろしくお願いします
Crahdol
| 🇸🇪: Native | 🇬🇧: Fluent | 🇯🇵: N5 |

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Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1

Post by Basler Biker »

Crahdol wrote: Sat Apr 02, 2022 10:41 pm

@Will709432
Tveka inte att fråga om något behöver förtydligas.
Don't hesitate to ask for clarifications.

Thank you very much Crahdol.

PS: Just wanted to mention that I asked our Admin for the automatic annotation tool, whereby the reader/reviewer just writes the final text, and the system would then make the strikethroughs and green additions. After that the tool would allow still to add comments and explanations. There is "some" hope that we find such tool, because I have seen it working on Italki, thus we continue to search for it, to be integrated in duome.eu .. it would save much of your/our valuable time ;-)


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Will709432

Re: Story 1

Post by Will709432 »

Crahdol wrote: Sat Apr 02, 2022 10:41 pm

...

Thanks so much for the thorough corrections. As a very first try from me, wasn't half as bad as I expected, which is encouraging. Can't think of any questions right now but going to mull over it a bit. Thanks :)

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Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

Post by Basler Biker »

Hey Will, I reworked the final text, as corrected by Crahdol, into the "Story style". (with a few minor adaptions)
viewtopic.php?t=3159-stors-a1-a2-vegan- ... nstruction
It's under Stories, novels, and articles.

I (or we) just need to add some questions with hidden answers, in the style of "Rum att hyra"
So I'll give it a try now.
Your original post is under "Rätta min svenska - skriva - stavning och stil"


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

Post by Basler Biker »

I understand the story, but I seem to miss the final funny point with "Vegan Smegan"
Is Smegan be with uppercase both? And what is smegan?


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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Will709432

Re: Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

Post by Will709432 »

Sorry just saw this message. Seems I'm not getting notifications for some of the messages on here.
Rhyming a word with vegan at the end, smegan in this instance, is just an English way of disparaging something.
Neither needs capital letters. I think I just tried to emphasise it when I did it and that's why.

Last edited by Will709432 on Fri Apr 22, 2022 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Basler Biker
Switzerland

Re: Story 1 - Vegan Smegan

Post by Basler Biker »

Will709432 wrote: Fri Apr 22, 2022 7:29 am

Sorry just saw this message. Seems I'm not getting notifications for some of the messages on here.
Rhyming a word with vegan at the end, smegan in this instance, is just an English way of disparaging something.
Neither need capital letters. I think I just tried to emphasise it when I did it and that's why.

OK. Thx.

The other funny thing is that terms such as "vegan schmegan" can be found a lot on the internet.
https://www.google.com/search?q=vegan schmegan

Still not sure whether schmegan is indeed just for a rhyme, or is a family name, or some Hebrew/Yiddish term related to food preparation or qualty, such as "kosher" (loanword "koosjer" in Dutch) is too. or like Arabic "halal".


BB - Basler Biker - Positivity and constructiveness will prevail
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